March 26, 2010

Before my mind turns completely to mush, which some days it feels like that anyway, I thought I would share some of my favourite jokes, poems, and other nonsense, I’ve heard over the years. The ones I can remember, anyway.

This one, I can sort of remember seeing it somewhere, and started memorizing it. I used it for a particular purpose later on, and I sort of remember mom was a little upset. Nothing else was ever mentioned, so I don’t think it was that big a deal!

A man knocked at the heavenly gates,
His face was scarred and old;
He stood before the man of fate,
For admission to the fold.
“What have you done,” St. Peter said,
“To gain admission here?”
“I’ve worked for [insert your own organization],” he said,
“For many, many a year!”
The pearly gates swung open wide,
St. Peter touched the bell;
“Come in and choose your harp,” he said,
“You’ve had your share of hell!”

A supervisor of mine (Paul South), way back in my Agriculture Canada days, used to like to say this little rhyme. Finally, after much begging, he wrote it out for me, and of course, I committed it to memory. I like to ‘impress’ the kids with it once in a while. When saying this one though, you must say it as quickly, but as clearly, as possible.

Mares eat oats, and does eat oats;
And little lambs eat ivy.
And kids’ll eat ivy, too,
Will you?

There is a lot of grammar exercises in English that concentrate on one vowel sound, or consonant sound, or groups of words that begin with the same letter. This is called, for anyone that’s interested, an alliteration. Jokes can sometimes be funny just because of this. They become a lot funnier after a couple of drinks, and, as long as you are still able to speak coherently. This is one of my favourites.

A big, black bear walks into a bar in Burnaby, B.C. He says to the bartender,
“Bartender, gimme a beer.”
The bartender turns to the bear and says,
“We don’t serve beers to big, black bears in bars in Burnaby, B.C.”
From the end of the bar comes a voice.
[your best ugly witch at Hallowe’en impression]
“There’s a bear in here? Get ‘im out. He stinks.”
The bear is baffled. He looks at the woman, and turns to the bartender again.
“Bartender, gimme a beer. I’m a big, black bear, and it’s hot outside.”
The bartender turns to the bear and says,
“We don’t serve beers to big, black bears in bars in Burnaby, B.C.”
Again from the end of the bar comes a voice.
“There’s a bear in here? Get ‘im out. He stinks.”
The bear, now a little miffed, turns to the woman and says,
“If you say that again, I’m gonna eat you!”
He then turns to the bartender once again, saying,
“Bartender, gimme a beer. I have Canadian money, it’s hot, I’ll drink it, and leave.”
The bartender looks at the bear, and once again says,
“We don’t serve beers to big, black bears in bars in Burnaby, B.C.”
And again, the voice from the end of the bar,
“There’s a bear in here? Get ‘im out. He stinks.”
The bear, now ticked off completely, goes over to the old woman, eats her up, and turns to the bartender again.
“Bartender, bartender. Give me a beer! You see what I just did to the old bat, I’ll do the same to you!”
The bartender turns to the bear, and in the same monotone voice as previously, says,
“We don’t serve beers to drug users in bars in Burnaby, B.C.”
The bear was just about to jump over the counter, when it hit him what the bartender had said.
“Hold on. First you say you don’t serve beers to big, black bears in Burnaby, B.C. But this time you said ‘drug users’?
I’m not a drug user!”
The bartender looks at the big, black bear and says,
“Yes, you are. That was a barbiturate.” (bar bitch you ate)

On my Facebook profile, I’ve mentioned that I like to use quotes. Now, a lot of times, I will admit freely, I have no idea or can’t remember where I’ve heard these words. But when apropos, or when the situation warrants it, somewhere out of the dark depths of my cob-webbed brain, comes these little quips. Sometimes funny, most times, just nonsense, but I get a chuckle out of the fact that I even remember some of this stuff. Giving specific examples is not easy, you’ll just have to read some of the blogs, and you’ll discover these ‘remarks’.

Other times, these quotes or phrases come from television programs. There have a been a few ‘priceless’ quotes over the years, and you probably know them as well. For example, “Gone With The Wind” (“… Scarlett, I don’t give a damn…”). “Airplane” (“… Surely, you jest…” “No, I don’t, and don’t call me Shirley.”) There are a lot more. However, one show that I’ll never forget, and I can almost repeat word-for-word, some of the priceless lines that I find hilarious. A pilot for a short-run series called, “The Family Dog”.

This was an animation that, if I’m mistaken, sorry, Stephen Spielberg tried to do. Anyway, I’m not sure of any of the other voices in the show, but the mother was ‘spoken’ by Annie Potts of “Designing Women” fame. You can either search for “The Family Dog” (3 parts), or possibly my id (xyvius13) and you will see that it is in my list of clips I’ve watched. There are several different dialogues and monologues that get me every time. I’ve seen this show and watched it since it first aired in the late 1980’s so many times, and I still laugh to the point of crying at times.

Let’s see… Gerta LeStrange is talking to Skip Binford:

“If we can’t turn your dog into a sniveling, snarling, white-hot ball of canine terror, then we will grant you a full refund – of course!”

One robber is talking to another, but aiming the comments at the dog:

“Well, I’m beginning to think the party’s over. I’m beginning to think we don’t need a dog. Or maybe we need a new dog. Or maybe, we need a CAT!”

Mom is tired, washing the dishes, while the dog wants to be fed:

“Oh, all right, I’ll get you your food. That’s all I do around here. Feed the kids. Feed the dog. Take out the garbage. Do I have dreams? Do I have aspirations? No! But I have a toilet bowl that ‘spring-time fresh’ and I’m pleased as punch to be a short-order cook to a dog! Now eat! I said, EAT!”

If you’ve never seen this show, and you have even one iota of humour in those tired old bones of yours, you’ve got to watch it. There are more quips I’ve used over the years, than I care to mention. (“Man the pumps.” “He’s whizzing on the carpet, dad.” “ONE, more chance!” “Bad dog, bad, bad, dog.”)

I personally believe, that humour is what keeps us healthy. There is nothing I like better, than to have a good hearty laugh. One that, when you’re finished, or nearly finished, your eyes are so clouded with tears that you can’t see, and your sides hurt. Yes, there is at least one humorous point in my every day. Whether it be remembering lines like these, or something that a kid says, or making the students laugh… it doesn’t matter. We all need to laugh as much as we need to sleep.

Enjoy these little jokes and lines, and if you can incorporate them into your day, all the more power to you!



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2 responses to “March 26, 2010

  1. I may have to teach a friend of mine, a very GOOD friend I should say, how to leave a comment. Again, this is not MY comment, but hers!

    Marie Boucher Nugent If the words sound queer and funny to your ear. A litlte bit jumbled and jivy sing mares eat oats and goats eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. I sang this song all the time when I was a kid. I love reading your posts Bill. You are a fantastic and entertaining writer. Thanks for making my day 🙂

  2. I like it. That?s toooooo . . . . . Funny . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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